Winning strategies: Hardball or softball?
What does “winning” mean to you? Think about it. You have certain goals to pursue and rights to protect — that’s all. The first and most important thing you do to “win” is to immediately stop thinking about winning and your spouse losing. Divorce isn’t that kind of contest, and a relationship is not a battlefield. If you think that way, you are setting yourself up to be a loser. Separate yourself from the contest emotionally and conduct this strictly as a piece of business.
Never start a divorce battle on the strength of a single opinion. Take your case around for a variety of advice. This is essential: do not skimp at this critical step in your case.
What are your goals for this legal contest? Whatever your other goals, there is only one that should always have top priority — to negotiate an acceptable settlement. Everything you and your attorney do should be aimed at getting your spouse and your spouse’s attorney into good-faith negotiations that will lead to an agreement that you can both accept. Okay, what strategy do you use to do that?
There are two basic divorce strategies: defensive and aggressive. Which should you use? Well, when anxious hikers asked what to do if they ran into a bear, an old woodsman explained it to them.
In divorce, everything depends on you and your spouse until the lawyers come in, then it depends on four personalities. If you add some therapists, we have a whole party of variables. It gets hard to work out or second-guess what is best — something that only gets clear after it’s all over.
Hardball or softball? Softball is a civilized, easy-going approach to the legal contest. Your purpose is only to stick to what you think is right and, if necessary, let some judge decide. This is a decision to disagree peacefully, to let the lawyers do their job and the legal process take its course. If you can’t agree, why get upset? Let the judge decide.
Hardball, on the other hand, is a tough, aggressive strategy. If your spouse is being bad or is likely to cheat, you have to defend your rights very forcefully — and you might have to show some teeth. If your spouse is the one who starts being legally aggressive, you have a choice — respond in kind or be defensive.
Aggressive cases are those in which you are on the offensive. You move fast; you hire an aggressive lawyer to take the legal field and strike hard. You fire off a full range of legal motions and go to hearings to freeze accounts, put your spouse under court orders to behave, and set rigid visitation schedules for children. You send out volumes of legal interrogatories (questions) and you demand or subpoena boxes of documents and paperwork.
Aggression costs a great deal of money and can destroy future hopes for good personal and co-parenting relationships. It can damage your children, maybe permanently. But, in extreme cases, it might be necessary. One goal might be to get what you have been denied: honest information, your fair share of the community property, access to your children, relief from abuse, and the like.
Defensive cases are those where your spouse is on the attack and is coming on hard and strong. Don’t get mad; this is business. Your choice here is either to conduct a stubborn defense or to go on the offensive. If you do the least possible to protect your position, you conserve your energy and money while waiting for your mate’s team to run out of steam. A quiet defense may make it easier to negotiate an agreement later. A good defense is almost always more comfortable and less expensive. Let them do the work; let them bark and growl; you can just rely on the facts and the legal process.
If your mate’s attorney is unusually aggressive or if they play dirty tricks, like making the case unnecessarily expensive with a flood of paperwork and motions in court, you may decide to play their game. If you counterattack and drag your mate personally through some depositions and hearings, maybe you’ll convince your mate to negotiate. But first, ask some questions or yourself and of your attorney:
Have they got the facts right?
Does the law support their position?
Are they aiming anywhere near the probable outcome?
Is your mate’s position or personality vulnerable somewhere?
Is this going to be worth the expense?
What’s the advantage of striking back compared to just letting it go to court?
What do you have to gain?
What can you lose?
The strategy you decide to use always depends on knowing very clearly what your goals are; then you consider the facts and circumstances, and the personalities of the people — you, your spouse, your attorneys. Then you make your decisions and choices.
Obviously, softball is the better game. It costs less and hurts less. If you don’t have to worry about your spouse being malicious or dishonest, let the lawyers negotiate and the judge decide matters that can’t be agreed upon.
Go on to the next section:
Never start a divorce battle on the strength of a single opinion. Take your case around for a variety of advice. This is essential: do not skimp at this critical step in your case.
Ask your lawyer: Are your demands reasonable under the law?
Ask yourself: Are your goals worth the price of the battle?
Ask yourself: Are your goals worth the price of the battle?
What are your goals for this legal contest? Whatever your other goals, there is only one that should always have top priority — to negotiate an acceptable settlement. Everything you and your attorney do should be aimed at getting your spouse and your spouse’s attorney into good-faith negotiations that will lead to an agreement that you can both accept. Okay, what strategy do you use to do that?
There are two basic divorce strategies: defensive and aggressive. Which should you use? Well, when anxious hikers asked what to do if they ran into a bear, an old woodsman explained it to them.
One school of thought says you have to stand perfectly still until the bear goes away, but other experts say you’re better off banging pots, screaming and waving your arms. Long experience shows that both schools are right about half the time . . . it depends on the bear.
In divorce, everything depends on you and your spouse until the lawyers come in, then it depends on four personalities. If you add some therapists, we have a whole party of variables. It gets hard to work out or second-guess what is best — something that only gets clear after it’s all over.
Hardball or softball? Softball is a civilized, easy-going approach to the legal contest. Your purpose is only to stick to what you think is right and, if necessary, let some judge decide. This is a decision to disagree peacefully, to let the lawyers do their job and the legal process take its course. If you can’t agree, why get upset? Let the judge decide.
Hardball, on the other hand, is a tough, aggressive strategy. If your spouse is being bad or is likely to cheat, you have to defend your rights very forcefully — and you might have to show some teeth. If your spouse is the one who starts being legally aggressive, you have a choice — respond in kind or be defensive.
Aggressive cases are those in which you are on the offensive. You move fast; you hire an aggressive lawyer to take the legal field and strike hard. You fire off a full range of legal motions and go to hearings to freeze accounts, put your spouse under court orders to behave, and set rigid visitation schedules for children. You send out volumes of legal interrogatories (questions) and you demand or subpoena boxes of documents and paperwork.
Aggression costs a great deal of money and can destroy future hopes for good personal and co-parenting relationships. It can damage your children, maybe permanently. But, in extreme cases, it might be necessary. One goal might be to get what you have been denied: honest information, your fair share of the community property, access to your children, relief from abuse, and the like.
Defensive cases are those where your spouse is on the attack and is coming on hard and strong. Don’t get mad; this is business. Your choice here is either to conduct a stubborn defense or to go on the offensive. If you do the least possible to protect your position, you conserve your energy and money while waiting for your mate’s team to run out of steam. A quiet defense may make it easier to negotiate an agreement later. A good defense is almost always more comfortable and less expensive. Let them do the work; let them bark and growl; you can just rely on the facts and the legal process.
If your mate’s attorney is unusually aggressive or if they play dirty tricks, like making the case unnecessarily expensive with a flood of paperwork and motions in court, you may decide to play their game. If you counterattack and drag your mate personally through some depositions and hearings, maybe you’ll convince your mate to negotiate. But first, ask some questions or yourself and of your attorney:
Have they got the facts right?Does the law support their position?Are they aiming anywhere near the probable outcome?Is your mate’s position or personality vulnerable somewhere?Is this going to be worth the expense?What’s the advantage of striking back compared to just letting it go to court?What do you have to gain?What can you lose?The strategy you decide to use always depends on knowing very clearly what your goals are; then you consider the facts and circumstances, and the personalities of the people — you, your spouse, your attorneys. Then you make your decisions and choices.
Obviously, softball is the better game. It costs less and hurts less. If you don’t have to worry about your spouse being malicious or dishonest, let the lawyers negotiate and the judge decide matters that can’t be agreed upon.
Go on to the next section:
Seven quick tips.
Back to the Short Divorce Course table of contents
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