Damage control
A legal battle is expensive and emotionally destructive. Never get into a legal battle if you can possibly avoid it. On the other hand, you should not surrender your rights or your self respect just to avoid a fight. If you end up in a battle, it is essential that you understand what you are getting into, then do everything possible to minimize the damage and protect yourself and your children.
Commercial airlines are required by law to tell parents to always put on their own oxygen mask first, then take care of their children. You can’t help a child if you pass out in the process. Same with divorce; you have to be okay before you can help anyone else. So, the first thing you do to protect your kids from harm in a divorce battle is to protect yourself — to develop and maintain your own sense of well-being.
Protecting yourself. The issues in a divorce conflict are almost always emotional ones that get played out in terms of property, money and children. As a tool of emotional warfare, the legal battle is the ultimate button a spouse can push; the same kind of decision that can launch armies or the ultimate missiles.
You are inviting terrible harm to yourself to whatever extent your legal battle is an extension of the emotional conflict you have been conducting with your mate all along.
One essential technique is to keep business and personal matters separate. As far as you are concerned, a divorce battle is strictly a matter of business and should be run strictly according to reason and practical considerations. If your spouse gets confused and trapped into an emotional conflict, don’t react; don’t get involved at that level. If your spouse or your spouse’s attorney use tactics that are upsetting, don’t give them the satisfaction of letting it upset you.
To survive a legal battle with minimum damage, you must free yourself unilaterally from the old patterns that you and your mate were trapped in. Never mind what your spouse does or says — that’s not your concern now; your job is to get out of it from your end. That means dismantling a part of your own internal process. Psychological traps like self-blame or blaming your spouse are like cement blocks on your legs — they will drag you down for sure. You have to free yourself from the old emotional battle and conduct your legal battle as a piece of business.
The checklist for what you have to do to minimize emotional damage to yourself is like a mantra or a prayer that can protect you. Repeat this over and over to yourself as you prepare for battle:
Do what’s right: To get through a battle relatively unscathed, you need the strength that comes from a clear conscience and moral certainty.
You must be certain that you want only what is rightfully yours and what is best for your children. Is what you want within the range of probable outcomes — is it clearly supported by the facts and the rules of law? Be sure to get more than one lawyer’s opinion before you fight.
You must be very clear that you are not acting out of anger, guilt, fear or greed — that you are not seeking revenge, not trying to punish or control your spouse. You must be certain that you are not merely continuing the old emotional conflict.
You will be protected from emotional damage by the strength that comes from knowing in your heart that what you are doing is right and unavoidable — that you have made every effort to be flexible. Without this, the legal battle can turn your life into pure hell.
Do what you must: You must know that you have done everything in your power to avoid this battle. It should be perfectly clear that in order to protect your rights, you have exhausted all other alternatives and have no better choice than to go to the lawyers and courts. On the other hand, you should never just roll over and give in just to have it done with. You should never feel guilty for insisting on your rights or for refusing to sacrifice your self-respect.
Do what you can: We all live within the limitations of what is possible. There is no blame for failing to achieve any goal, only for failing to make the effort and to use whatever talents and resources that are available to you. If you have a right or a child to protect or some dignity to preserve and you fail to make the effort, then you have not done what you can.
Do your best: You can’t control others, you can’t control most events, you can only do your best. Like everyone else out there, you are an imperfect and fallible human being, so there’s no sense in punishing yourself if you occasionally fall short of perfection. If things don’t go your way, you don’t have to blame yourself if you know that you gave it your best effort. Instead, give yourself a reward and take some credit for your good intentions and for having tried so hard.
Don’t worry about the rest: If you do what’s right, what you must, what you can, and give it your best, you will discharge all personal obligations in the matter. This is like the ancient practice of writing troubles and prayers on paper that you then cast into a river. You have committed your case into the unfathomable processes of the legal system, so the matter is out of your hands and the outcome is no longer in your control. There’s no point in worrying about it or being attached to it.
Whenever you get caught up in conflict or feel ground down by it, repeat this to yourself a few times:
Go on to the next section:
Commercial airlines are required by law to tell parents to always put on their own oxygen mask first, then take care of their children. You can’t help a child if you pass out in the process. Same with divorce; you have to be okay before you can help anyone else. So, the first thing you do to protect your kids from harm in a divorce battle is to protect yourself — to develop and maintain your own sense of well-being.
Protecting yourself. The issues in a divorce conflict are almost always emotional ones that get played out in terms of property, money and children. As a tool of emotional warfare, the legal battle is the ultimate button a spouse can push; the same kind of decision that can launch armies or the ultimate missiles.
You are inviting terrible harm to yourself to whatever extent your legal battle is an extension of the emotional conflict you have been conducting with your mate all along.
One essential technique is to keep business and personal matters separate. As far as you are concerned, a divorce battle is strictly a matter of business and should be run strictly according to reason and practical considerations. If your spouse gets confused and trapped into an emotional conflict, don’t react; don’t get involved at that level. If your spouse or your spouse’s attorney use tactics that are upsetting, don’t give them the satisfaction of letting it upset you.
To survive a legal battle with minimum damage, you must free yourself unilaterally from the old patterns that you and your mate were trapped in. Never mind what your spouse does or says — that’s not your concern now; your job is to get out of it from your end. That means dismantling a part of your own internal process. Psychological traps like self-blame or blaming your spouse are like cement blocks on your legs — they will drag you down for sure. You have to free yourself from the old emotional battle and conduct your legal battle as a piece of business.
The checklist for what you have to do to minimize emotional damage to yourself is like a mantra or a prayer that can protect you. Repeat this over and over to yourself as you prepare for battle:
“I will do what’s right, I will do what I must, I will do what I can, and I will do my best, but will not worry about the rest — it is out of my hands and my well-being does not depend on it.”
Do what’s right: To get through a battle relatively unscathed, you need the strength that comes from a clear conscience and moral certainty.
You must be certain that you want only what is rightfully yours and what is best for your children. Is what you want within the range of probable outcomes — is it clearly supported by the facts and the rules of law? Be sure to get more than one lawyer’s opinion before you fight.You must be very clear that you are not acting out of anger, guilt, fear or greed — that you are not seeking revenge, not trying to punish or control your spouse. You must be certain that you are not merely continuing the old emotional conflict.You will be protected from emotional damage by the strength that comes from knowing in your heart that what you are doing is right and unavoidable — that you have made every effort to be flexible. Without this, the legal battle can turn your life into pure hell.
Do what you must: You must know that you have done everything in your power to avoid this battle. It should be perfectly clear that in order to protect your rights, you have exhausted all other alternatives and have no better choice than to go to the lawyers and courts. On the other hand, you should never just roll over and give in just to have it done with. You should never feel guilty for insisting on your rights or for refusing to sacrifice your self-respect.
Do what you can: We all live within the limitations of what is possible. There is no blame for failing to achieve any goal, only for failing to make the effort and to use whatever talents and resources that are available to you. If you have a right or a child to protect or some dignity to preserve and you fail to make the effort, then you have not done what you can.
Do your best: You can’t control others, you can’t control most events, you can only do your best. Like everyone else out there, you are an imperfect and fallible human being, so there’s no sense in punishing yourself if you occasionally fall short of perfection. If things don’t go your way, you don’t have to blame yourself if you know that you gave it your best effort. Instead, give yourself a reward and take some credit for your good intentions and for having tried so hard.
Don’t worry about the rest: If you do what’s right, what you must, what you can, and give it your best, you will discharge all personal obligations in the matter. This is like the ancient practice of writing troubles and prayers on paper that you then cast into a river. You have committed your case into the unfathomable processes of the legal system, so the matter is out of your hands and the outcome is no longer in your control. There’s no point in worrying about it or being attached to it.
Whenever you get caught up in conflict or feel ground down by it, repeat this to yourself a few times:
“I have done what’s right, I did what I had to, I did what I could, and I have done my best, so I will not worry about the rest — it’s out of my hands and I don’t depend on it.”
Go on to the next section:
The strategy you use depends on your goals for your divorce and how you define “win.”
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