In scientific studies of life’s most stressful events, divorce always scores near the very top. Those who leave follow different patterns from those who get left, but the degree of turmoil is about the same. The important thing about upset is not if you are going to have it but how you are going to go through it.

How you go through your divorce is an expression of who you are. The way you deal with your problems will also determine who you will be when the divorce is long over and done with. “As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.” You are creating your own future with every thought, word, and act.

Upset in divorce may range from mild to violent; it may feel like you’ve been physically torn — major surgery without anesthetic — or hit in the head, or just simply gone mad. Upset may last for weeks or it may linger for months, even years. You can’t rush things, but you can avoid getting stuck in common psychological traps that prolong the pain.

Your experience is unique. But, while no two divorces are the same, most people go through the same four stages of recovery. This is how human beings are built.

1. Shock: The first two stages might be so intense and disorienting that you feel literally insane, wondering if you can cope. Yet everything happens at once and you have no choice — you must cope, and you will. You might experience symptoms of shock, such as pain, numbness, feeling out of control or going crazy, loss of concentration, insomnia, extreme eating patterns. You may have wide swings in emotions. Intense anxiety, panic, anger, rage, depression may alternate with interludes of clarity, elation, optimism — and then back again.
   
   The shock stage can last from days to several months. It can be frightening and painful but it is absolutely natural.
   
   The danger at this stage is getting stuck in denial and numbness. You have to feel, you have to grieve and hurt. Don’t escape into drink or drugs; just let it happen. The depth of your pain is also the measure of your capacity for love and joy.
   
   
2. Roller coaster: After the shock stage, the intensity tends to subside, perhaps become intermittent — this is the main difference from the shock stage — but you get confusing swings in emotions, especially your feelings for your mate and for yourself. You feel like you can’t trust your feelings. Almost any little thing can set you off — a smell, a song, a memory. You dwell on the past, constantly reliving it and evaluating. You may feel guilt, blame, self-blame, anger, shame, loss, loneliness, or depression. The way you think about yourself is shaky and uncertain; you feel incompetent, awkward, inadequate, unlovable. Your feelings go around and around and around; they seem to never settle down.
   
   This is all very natural, part of the grieving process, part of letting go of the past, and very necessary. It can go on for a few months to a year. You are under high stress and may be prone to illness and accident, so you have to take extra good care of yourself. Be patient, be kind; pamper yourself a little.
   
   Your judgment is likely to be poor while you are in this state, so try to avoid making important decisions. Unfortunately, this is exactly when you have to deal with your divorce and create new arrangements for your children.
   
   If you dwell on loss, blame, or being wronged, you will prolong your own depression, anger, or fear. Don’t get stuck too long — you need to get on with your life. Let go of your past and make room for your future.
   
   
3. Self-development: Divorce is over when the end becomes a beginning. The roller coaster eventually evens out more and more. Now you begin to notice the possibilities of your new life. The present and the future become more important than the past. You pay a lot of attention to yourself and your image. You make plans. You make new friends, experiment with new interests and experiences. You may act like a kid again. Dating and sex may bring on a certain degree of confusion, a rerun of old feelings from as far back as adolescence. Have fun discovering who you are and who you like, but don’t overdo it.
   
   
4. Emergence: You are getting comfortable with yourself, getting stronger, increasingly clear and aware of who you are. You are more interested in the present and the future.
   
   You have a new center of balance as a single person, whole and complete to yourself, and you are now ready for intimacy in new relationships. You survived the divorce and have been strengthened by it. You can still feel grief and sadness about the past, but without guilt, blame or resentment. You are no longer threatened by your own feelings.

Remember that your spouse is going through these cycles, too. Whatever anger and grief your spouse is experiencing is helping to break the bonds of attachment. It is a necessary part of the healing process.

Let’s take a look now at some of the major emotional components of the divorce cycle.

Pain: You have to recognize that pain is not only natural, it can be a helper and a good adviser. Especially at first, pain may only mean that you have been injured and are healing, as if you had broken your leg or suffered a serious wound. But at other times it can be a message that something is wrong, that you have to pay attention to something you have been ignoring.

The intensity of pain during divorce can be frightening, but you mustn’t run from it or try to block it out or avoid it. Instead, embrace it; let it happen. The pain is in your heart space and that is where the real “you” lives, so it is calling you home to your center and to your real self. Endure your suffering, accept your pain and listen to it. If you do, it will run its course and heal more quickly; it will lead you to your solutions; it will provide the energy for your changes and growth; it will make you stronger.

Fear: The major challenge in any divorce is to deal constructively with your fear. Fear of pain, fear of hurt, fear of the future, fear of your ability to take care of yourself and your children, fear of losing self-respect, fear of fear. There is a basic bewilderment of life when so much is happening that you feel you can’t possibly cope; you just don’t know what to do or how to live. Fear is the root source of anger. Anger is the flip side of fear. Anger turned inward is depression.

Anger: Learning how to use anger constructively is one of the most important lessons to be gained from your divorce. Anger is a potent source of energy and a very useful emotion if you know how to use it. Anger helps get you through the first and most painful stages of divorce by providing an outlet for inexpressible emotions and it helps break the bonds of affection and attachment.

For people who have never shown it, learning how to get angry is a huge step forward. Anger will help you to stop being dependent, stop being a victim. Anger and action are far better than making a career of being depressed and downtrodden. It is possible to be angry and constructive at the same time.

On the other hand, some people become addicted to anger and they misuse it badly. Anger soon becomes self-defeating and self-destructive; the cause of bad mistakes in judgment (like running to a lawyer before you are prepared) that will work against your own interests. Anger can drag you into an uncontrolled battle.

The attraction of anger is that it is cheap and easy — easier than actually solving your real problems, easier than taking responsibility for your life. And it is reliable; always there; you can count on it. For just a moment, it can give you a false sense of power and control; it lets off steam. But anger is a solution that solves nothing. It only distracts you from having to face your own pain, fear or guilt. If you abuse anger and become a habitual user, it will poison your life and turn you into an unhealthy, lonely, bitter person. You can count on it.

Hurt: It is a painful and terrible thing to be hurt by someone you depend on, someone you love and trust. In the early stages of divorce, you may need to heal from hurt that you have experienced, but you do not need to continue allowing yourself to be hurt. Someone can hurt you only if you give them the power to do so. Hurt then becomes something you do to yourself, something you permit to happen. Staying hurt long after the divorce is over keeps you stuck on your needs and weaknesses; it reinforces your picture of yourself as a victim.

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